we live life only once. how true that is. haha true to the chinese saying that only when you are drunk do heartfelt words spill outta your mouth. haha nopes i wasn't drunk. it was not me. but it is rather true. i am sorta at the crossroads of my life now. there is still a lot that i would haf to grapple with. i am faced with many choices, but i have to make one eventually. every decision has its good and bad. in fact, there are quite a few decisions i have to make, as in mini decisions, along with my major decision that would most probably determine what i would be doing for the next ten years of my life. im hopelessly lost. every decision entails a lot of what is to come. however, me being the cynic i am, never fails to zoom in on the bad aspect of my would be decisions. im honestly seriously not doing well now. i dun think i would be able to go far if i stay. it is not me. rather im not used to it. thus even though ive been trying very hard to get out of my comfort zone and try to do something, it isnt helping at all. my performance is still as it has always been-stagnant-and worse of all- not up to mark. after the information barrage just now, i am left more confused than ever, as there are too many things that i have to consider before i put pen on paper. it is not as simple as i once thought.
never mind about that.
i realised something. In the process of trying to make myself not succumb to monophobia, im slowly evolving into a different person than i previously was. yes, now i do not suffer from monophobia. i do not mind doing many things alone. but at the same time, i have also lost the craving for inter human interaction, which was once central to my life. i neglected the need open up, hence im closing up. to say that im now a recluse would not be too far from the truth. deep down, im telling myself that this is not me, this is not right. but why is it that i cannot stop being the way i am, no matter how hard i try? true i went thru bouts of that in many different stages of my life, but it was never as bad as this. i always use the fact that i only open up to familiar people to comfort myself, but it is not really working as of now.deep down in me, i just do not feel the need for any interaction with people anymore, since i can manage fine alone, and it is really more interesting to take a step back a view things from a third party's detached angle. but whatever it is, if i keep this up, things are not gonna be easy on me. we shall see how. for now, i just wanna slow down, and see how.
and im not not gonna get too friendly with anybody. its just a passing phase, and a side effect of being too lonely. it is not a true reflection of how i feel. im trying not to reminisce, and allow myself to think that there is something, but with all that is happening now, its hard, its really hard.